


Home Is Where You Are

by Turbo_Nerd



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Armin is concerned, Don't Judge Me, Eren Is a Little Shit, Jean is pissed, M/M, Manga Spoilers, Titan!marco, don't know what else to tag this as, slight rivarmin, the usual
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2018-02-12 12:37:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2110176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turbo_Nerd/pseuds/Turbo_Nerd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been four months since Marco's death, and Jean is still not over it. He knows he has to put it behind him and move on, or else he could make a fatal mistake beyond the walls and get himself killed, too.<br/>On one expedition in particular, he comes across something rather strange, almost like fate taunting him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there lovelies. I originally started writing this for a thing, but realized that with work, college, and trying to have a social life, there was no way I was meeting those deadlines. However, I still really enjoyed the idea for this story. So! I decided to post it chapter by chapter for you wonderful people who may want to read it. Yay! My chapters will NOT follow a schedule. I know, I know, I hate that, too. HOWEVER, I will promise you that I will see this story through til the end, no matter how long it takes. Also, I will try not to take too too long with my updates. If you've read this and still wish to proceed, I do hope you enjoy it! Comments are appreciated. Tell me how much you love it, hate it, how much it sucks, or just general feedback. Comments are my lifeblood. Thanks, guys!

I was walking around during clean up.  That’s all this was.  I didn’t expect to see him there.  I didn’t expect to see him the way he was.  I didn’t expect him to be dead.    
“Marco?” My voice cracked as I tried to force out his name.  This wasn’t okay.  It couldn’t be Marco.  I had just spoken to him… It couldn’t be him.  But now that I’d started, I couldn’t stop. “Marco… Is that you?”

He was torn, his face ripped in half, bones visible down his ribs.  There was no mistaking him, though.  I’d know his face anywhere.  His face that had constantly been smiling.  His face, with eyes that held stars.  His face, littered with freckles, which were now barely visible.  Why him?  How?  Surely somebody had to have seen him die.  
“Do you know him, cadet?”  a woman asked me.

The rest passes in a horrible blur.  I tell her that his name is Marco.  Marco Bodt.  My Marco Bodt.  We were supposed to go to the interior together and live our lives out safely.  Together.  But now he was gone. Gone and never coming back.

* * *

I rub my eyes, the nightmare still clinging to the back of my eyelids and the forefront of my mind.  It’s been four months.  Four goddamned months, and it still haunts me.  I’ve seen how many other people die, but nobody else’s death haunts me.  Not like this.  I don’t wake up in a cold sweat from nightmares about anyone else. His was just so wrong.  He wasn’t supposed to die.  Not yet.  Not ever.  It wasn’t fair.  

I shake my head, trying to rid my mind of these thoughts.  I know he isn’t coming back, so there is no point in dwelling on anything.  I could end up jeopardizing everything the survey corps are working toward if I keep letting the past get to me like this. I just have to get through it like everyone else does.  Like I keep telling myself to.  But something just isn’t letting me go.  Part of me will always hang onto him.

Marco was right.  I’m not strong.  I never have been, and this proves it.  I can’t even let go of one fallen teammate, when many others are dying daily.  What kind of soldier am I, anyway? What kind of soldier holds on for so long without a shred of hope?

I run my fingers through my hair, getting up and putting on my uniform.  We are going outside the walls today, and I have to be at my absolute sharpest.  I can’t risk other people’s lives because I am still hung up over a guy who died four months ago.  That is not going to be on my shoulders.  
Strapping on my 3DMG, I leave the cabin.  We are staying in a base in a small town on the inner edge of Wall Rose.  But not today.  Today we are going to venture out into their territory, where most people say going is comparable to suicide.   
I wish I could say they are wrong, but they really aren’t.  Most of our troops die or at least suffer horrible injuries.  We are trying our best, though, and those who’ve died knew the risk when they joined.

I’m walking through the barracks, when I feel a hand on my shoulder.  I turn to find a very concerned looking Armin looking at me.   
“Hey, Armin.  What’s up?”

“Jean, are you alright?  You’ve been really out of it lately…”  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” I lie, faking a smile to go along with it.   
He doesn’t believe me.  I can see it on his face.  But I probably wouldn’t believe me either.  I had been out of it.  Leave it to Armin to notice.  He’s always the smart one, and he genuinely cares about others, so if anyone would notice anything wrong, I’m not surprised in the least that it was him.

“Jean, you know you can talk to me…”

“I’m fine, really.  No worries, Armin.” I ruffle his hair a bit to try and lighten the mood.  I don’t want to talk about it.  I don’t want to talk about how much I miss Marco, or how I still haven’t gotten over his death.  I don’t want to talk about how much of a fuck up I am, or how it killed me to know that I couldn’t do anything to save him.  I don’t want to complain about losing my best friend when everyone is losing people close to them, too.

Best friend.  Ha.

* * *

I was sitting on my bed.  The room was empty save for Marco and me, but that was exactly how we wanted it.  He was sitting in my lap facing me, legs wrapped around my waist.  My hands rested on his hips, and his arms had snaked around my shoulders.  I leaned down and kissed him.  

It wasn’t a perfect kiss by a long shot.  It was sloppy; needy; hungry.  It was all a mess of teeth, tongue, and saliva, but it was exactly what we needed.  He kissed me back with just as much need.  I could feel it pulsing in the air around us like electric currents.  

I could feel myself getting hard, my erection pushing up against Marco’s ass.  But I could feel him hard and hot against my stomach as well.  One of my hands moved from his hips to the small of his back to hold him steady as my other trailed down to his pants, popping the button open.  I started stroking him, and the moan that hit my ears was the sexiest goddamn thing I had ever fucking heard.  It sent a whole new wave of need through me, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to control myself much longer.  

I also knew we had to be quick and quiet about it, because anyone could walk into the cabin at any moment, and if anyone saw this it would be really bad.  Marco was moving his hips, bucking into my hand as I pumped him.  He scooted back a bit, undoing my pants, and taking me into his own hand.  We stroked each other in time, and it felt like we were the only two people on the planet.  

I leaned back in for another kiss, feeling my climax building.

He was the first one to pull away from the kiss.  His breathing was jagged, and his face was flushed in the cutest way that made his freckles stand out.  I loved watching him come undone like this.  I loved knowing it was me who made him feel like that.  

“Jean… I’m… I’m… so… Jean!” Was the only warning I got as he came into my hand.  Watching his face, and hearing my name coming from him in such sexy moans,  pushed me right over the edge, and I came into his hand moaning his name as well.

That was the night before we went to fight in Trost.  We were celebrating our upcoming graduation, and that we’d join the military police together.  We were going to spend our lives together.  I loved him.  And he had said he loved me, too.  He said we’d be together forever.  Then he went and left me.  But I had no one to blame but myself.  I should have been there to protect him.  I should have been there to help.  I should have-

“Jean?”

“Huh?” I blink a few times, coming back to the present.  I stare at Armin for a moment before remembering we had been talking.  “Sorry, I’m just really tired… What was that?”

“I said, it’s obvious that you’re not okay.  But I understand that you don’t want to talk about it right now, so I’m not going to try to force it out of you or anything.  But if and when you’re ready to talk, I’m here to listen.  I’m here for you, Jean.”

“Thanks, Armin.  But I’m fine, really.  It’s nothing.”  I try another smile, then turn to walk to the mess hall for breakfast.

* * *

Less than an hour after breakfast, we are on our horses and on our way out of the walls.  I sigh, ready to fight.  I have to be, or more people will die.  I wasn’t about to just sit back and let that happen.

We ride out in formation, but as per usual, get split up eventually.  I somehow end up on my own.  I’m looking around for my squad when I see it.  A 15-meter class headed right for me.  Well, fuck.

I stand my ground, steadying myself, and shooting off with my 3DMG toward it.  Latching onto him, I swing in an arch toward his neck.  This is simple.  Swing up and over, slice him, and go back to my squad.  I never expected him to grab me, even though I probably should have. They grab people all the damned time.  If they didn’t, more of us would survive.  It would be easy if they didn’t fight back.  But nevertheless, I don’t see it coming.

He grips me tightly as he brings me to his face slowly.  I struggle as much as I can, but he holds fast.  There is no escape.  I’m a goner.  I can’t help but think of Marco.

‘I fought my best, Marco.  I tried my hardest.  I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you or even be there so that you didn’t die alone.  I’m so sorry.  I’d hoped to live out life and help destroy the titan threat entirely.  I wanted to make you proud, Marco.  I wanted to kill them because they killed you.  But it looks like I couldn’t even manage to do that.  I guess I’m coming to see you now.  I didn’t think it would be this soon…’  
I look back at the titan who is going to be my deathbed.  It has freckles.  My mind registers the irony.  I have been fighting for Freckles, only to be killed by a freckled titan.  I think a chuckle leaves my throat.  I can’t even tell anymore.   
Suddenly I’m horribly angry.  How dare this monstrosity have freckles?  How dare he look anything like Marco?  What right does he have?  He doesn’t even deserve to exist.  I struggle again as I am pulled closer and closer to its mouth.  Any second now, I’ll be eaten.  But I’ll be damned if I don’t try to fight back.

But the mouth never opens.  It draws closer, but the titan just rests his closed mouth against my head.  Almost like a - No.  That isn’t what this is.  This titan is obviously just too dumb to even eat a human correctly.  

It isn’t until it brings me to its cheek and starts rubbing its face on me, nuzzling me, that I break.  It can’t be.  It should be eating me.  Why is it nuzzling me?  And kissing me?  Why…

“M-Marco?” My voice almost doesn’t work.  I push it out, needing to say it. “Marco… is that you?”  The words are familiar.  It is what I had said when I had found him, dead.  I know this is crazy.  It can’t be Marco.  I had seen him, dead.  It’s not fair that this titan is taunting me like this.  Filling my last moments with a false hope that maybe Marco is alive, only to kill me in the end.  I know some titans are smarter than others, but this is just too much.

This is cruel.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean deals with this Titan, even though he doesn't want to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Chapter 2 is here! I really hope you like it. Oh, but fair warning that this chapter is where the manga spoilers come into play. So if you aren't caught up I suggest you go do that. If you read ahead anyway, have fun! As always, I hope you enjoy! Comments are always more than welcome!

“Marco, that can’t be you. You can’t be a titan… You’re dead… I saw you…” I’m crying. I can feel it. I don’t care. The titan kisses me (is that really what it’s doing?) again, then pulls me back, and I see his eyes. I see his eyes. “Marco… How? Why?” I snap completely. “Do you know what you’ve put me through? Do you have any idea the Hell I’ve been living in?”

I’m shouting now, but I don’t care. I’m fucking pissed. I have spent the past four months being miserable, and hating myself because Marco is dead and I couldn’t save him.

Now, suddenly this titan shows up with his freckles, and his eyes, and my whole world is just turned upside-fucking-down. Does he expect me to just hug him back and pretend like everything is okay?

Because it’s not okay. It’s definitely not okay. Does he even understand that I’ve had nightmares about his death every goddamn night since the day I found him? Does he know that I have a piece of charred bone in my pocket that I carry with me everywhere to remind me of him? To remind me what it is I’m fighting for? Did he miss me at all? Why the fuck would he just leave me like that? How could he? I couldn't wrap my head around it.

How did he turn into a titan like that? I fucking saw his dead body. What the hell was happening?.

I angrily beat him with my fists over and over again, but I know it does no good. He doesn’t seem to take much notice of me. Actually, he seems to be concentrating on something, I’m just not entirely sure what.

I’m not entirely sure of anything anymore, honestly. Suddenly, I’m hit with a burst of hot air and steam. I feel the titan crumbling, and brace myself for the impact.

When I hit, I feel the grip loosen around me, and I wriggle out of his hand. I back slowly away from the cloud of fog that surrounded where the titan had just been. I have my blades out and ready, in case this is some trick. Hell, maybe I’m not even here.

Maybe none of this is even real. Maybe I’ve hit my head on something, and I’m laying there unconscious right now, and this is all some fucked up reality that my mind has created in an attempt to help me deal with the fact that my best fucking friend died. He died, and I couldn’t save him. I couldn’t even be there with him in his final moments. What a friend I was. And I was so much more than that. We were together. I couldn’t even be there when my fucking boyfriend died. I couldn’t hold his hand one last time, or tell him I loved him.

The smoke begins to clear, and I see a shadowy figure; a boy, maybe an inch or two taller than me. It can’t be him. It just can’t be. He’s moving toward me. My knuckles are white from the way I’m gripping my blades. Tears are running down my face, but I can’t tell if they’re out of sadness, anger, or relief. It was possible they’re a mix of all three. The boy steps forward, and I can barely make out some features. He has dark hair.

He keeps moving toward me, and I take an involuntary step back. When all the steam has cleared, and I can finally see him, my blades clatter on the ground and I fall to my knees. It’s him.

It’s him. Marco is standing there in front of me, and I can’t even stand. I curl into myself, tears streaming down my face. I’m sobbing horribly, but I don’t care because Marco is right there. Marco. My Marco. He’s standing there, alive, and walking toward me.

“Jean…” His voice carries over to me, and it’s exactly as I remember it. So soft and sweet and perfect. This isn’t happening. This can’t be happening. I refuse to believe that Marco is alive and here.

I’m dead. I have to be dead. This must be Hell. I always knew I was going to end up there anyway. I’m a horrible person, and this must be my punishment.

I feel a hand on my shoulder, and realize that he’s crouching next to me now. I look up and meet his eyes. He has a sad smile on his face, but it’s definitely his face. All of his face. A sight I never thought I’d see again.

I can’t describe how quickly the emotions click through my brain. It’s like a game of roulette, which ultimately ends with anger. Pure anger. I shrug his hand off of me, and move away from him like his touch is poisonous.

“No. Don’t touch me. Don’t fucking touch me.” I spit the words at him. He looks hurt. I don’t care. He should be hurt. I’ve been hurting for four goddamn months, and he’s been out here doing whatever the hell he’s been doing.

“Jean, I know-”

“No, you don’t. You don’t fucking know. You don’t know what it’s like to think that your best friend is dead. You don’t know what it’s like to see their dead body - or what’s left of it, anyway - laying right in front of you. You don’t know what it’s like to have said dead body be the only thing you see when you close your eyes.” My voice cracks then, and I bite my lip trying to hold myself together. “Four months. Four goddamn months. I thought you were dead. I saw you dead. And now I find you, not dead at all. You… you fucking bastard. How the fuck could you do that to me? You knew how I felt about you. How could you just go and leave me like that? How could you put me through this? I can’t… I can’t believe you. And on top of it all, you’re a fucking titan shifter! What the fuck! Are you in cahoots with Annie, Reiner, and Bertholdt? Is that why you faked your own goddamn death? So that you could move around undetected? Was that your plan all along? To help them ruin people’s lives? Because if so, congratulations, you’ve ruined mine. I hope you’re fucking happy with yourself. Why the fuck would you make me think that you loved me? Was it not enough to want to wipe out humanity? You had to take me down a few extra notches just for shits and giggles? I thought you were a nice guy, Marco. I fucking trusted you. I loved you… Why would you do this to me? To all of us? Are you seriously working with them? After all that shit you said about wanting to help serve the king and fight for humanity? How could you?”

My breathing is labored now after that outburst. Tears are still trickling down my face, but at a much slower rate than before. I’m starting to finally calm down now that I’ve gotten all of that out of my system.

I look up at Marco again, who was still crouching next to me. His eyes were wide with shock, and he still looked hurt.

Part of me felt bad for hurting him. Part of me still loved him, even though he’d put me through hell for four months. But the other part of me - the much angrier part - said to hell with him, and couldn’t care less if he was hurt. He deserves to hurt like I did. Like I do.

He opens his mouth to say something, and breaks eye contact with me. His head hangs, as if in shame.

 

“Yes, Jean. I am working with them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, you all probably hate me right now xD. Yeah... I'm sorry for that... *hides in a hole until next time*


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean tries to process and deal with this new information.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Well, these chapters are getting done a lot quicker that I thought they would. Thank you all for the kudos and the comments. It really means a lot, and it plays a huge part in how quickly I'm getting this done. Yay! I honestly just wanted to thank you guys for reading this and sticking with it.  
> So, as for this chapter, it's kind of just filler, and I didn't realize that until after it was done. But it's important nonetheless. Enjoy!!  
> It's finally been beta'd! Woot!

I can’t believe it.  My brain just will not properly process all of this.

  
Marco, _my_ Marco, is a shifter?  Working to destroy humanity, nonetheless.  My Marco, who was always so kind, and loving, and always had a smile on his face.  My Marco, who talked about wanting to serve the king and help save humanity.  My Marco, who I was horribly in love with.

It must  a mistake.  This can’t be right.  He can’t be…

“Marco… You’re…?”

He reaches to put a hand on my shoulder again.  I want to just lean into his touch and indulge in him.  To indulge in the fact that he’s here, whole, and alive.  I want to let him comfort me like he always would.

But I can’t.

I shrug away from him again, turning back to glare at him as best as I can.  Admittedly, it isn’t much, because he still looks like my Marco.

“I can’t fucking believe this.” I say with as much venom as I can.  “How could you? You fucking… UGH! I just can’t fucking believe you.  Goddamn it! I should fucking kill you.  I’d be doing humanity a damn favor, getting rid of you.  Fuck you.  Why?  Why would you go so far as to make me fall in love with you?  To make me think you loved me back?  That’s even more fucked up than just destroying me.  Fuck you.” I’m standing now, gripping my blade handles so tightly my knuckles hurt.

“Jean-”

  
“No. Don’t talk like you care.  Don’t pretend like it’s alright.  Because it fucking isn’t.  For four months, I’ve wanted nothing more than to have you back.  I’ve been fighting for you.  To avenge you.  To make you proud.  But now I see that’s never what you wanted.  I realize now that everything I’ve been fighting for is a lie.  You’re not who I thought you were.  You’re not my Marco.”

He looks hurt again, but I can’t bring myself to care.  I can’t care anymore.  It’ll just hurt me more in the end.

“Don’t give me that goddamn look.  Don’t act like you’re upset.  Not after what you did to me.  I thought you were dead.  Dead.  And I blamed myself.  I thought it was because I wasn’t there to protect you.  But that wasn’t it at all.  Obviously, because you’re not even dead.”  As much as it kills me, I push the last words out. “But you should be.”  
I can’t look at him anymore.  I can’t say these things and look at that face.  That beautiful freckled face that I’ve fallen in love with these past three years.  That face I’ve longed to see again for the past four months.

I should kill him.  I should take my blades and kill him right now.  It would be so easy.  

Except it’s not.  It’s not easy at all.

“Fuck you.  I should kill you right now while I have the chance.” I let out a heavy sigh.  “But I can’t.  I can’t fucking kill you.  Even though I know who you really are now.  I just can’t.  I’m such a pathetic soldier.  I fucking hate you! And the part I hate most is that I can’t actually hate you.  I still love you, Marco.  But I can’t.  I just can’t.  I can’t love you.  I can’t hate you.  And I can’t bring myself to kill you.  Just… Just fuck off.  I never want to see you again.”

He’s been sitting there patiently as I rant.  My breathing is coming heavily.

He stands as well, calmly brushing dirt off of his legs.  Damn him and his perpetual serenity.  Fuck him making me want him even though I know he’s not what I thought he was.  Goddamn it.  WHy do I still love him?  Of all the people left in the world, why did I have to fall in love with _him_?  Oh, yeah.  Because he’s the only one who ever put up with my bullshit long enough to get close to me.  He was the only friend I ever had.  Or, thought I had, rather.

He’s looking at me with his big brown doe eyes, all full of sweetness.  I try to glare at him.  
“Jean, it’s not what you thi-”

“No.  Don’t try to explain.  I don’t want to hear it.  You’ve been lying to me all along, so why the fuck should I believe you now?  Fuck you, Marco.”

I can’t do this anymore.  I just want to hug him and kiss him and I can’t.  I look at him one last time.

“Goodbye, Marco.”

And with that, I take off.  I don’t look back at him as I go, afraid that I won’t leave if I do.

I eventually find my squad again.

* * *

It is dinnertime, and everyone is gathered in the dining hall.  I honestly am not hungry.  How can I eat after today?

My chair scrapes on the floor as I get up to leave.  I can feel eyes on me, but I don’t care.

“Hey, horseface!”

I am _so_ not in the mood for his shit right now.  I promptly flip him off as I walk past, not bothering to verbally respond.

I go to my bunk, and just lay there on my back and stare at the ceiling.  A deep sigh leaves me, and I close my eyes.

* * *

We’re alone in a clearing not far from the trainee camp.  I’m laying on my back, and he’s on top of me.

My hands slide down his back as he trails kisses along my jaw, neck, and collar.  I cup his ass, and give a firm squeeze.  He jumps slightly, consequently rubbing our arousals together.  We both groan in pleasure.

Keeping my hands on his ass, I grind up into him.  

“Marco…”

He grinds  down into me as well, and it feels wonderful.  His hands work their way into my hair and I let out another moan.

Our breaths are quick, and Marco whimpers  as he reaches down to undo our pants.  He holds both of us together as we rock into each other, his hand pumping us.

I’m close, I can feel it.  And if the way his pace quickens is any indication, he’s close, too.

But his hand is getting larger.  I look up at him and see that he is growing as well, turning into his titan form.

I panic and try to get away, but his grip is strong.

Somehow, I can still hear him moaning my name over and over. “Jean… Jean… Jean…”  This isn’t what I want.  This  isn’t my Marco.

“Jean… Jean…”

I scream.

“Jean!”

I open my eyes to meet large, round, blue ones.  My breaths are coming in short, ragged gasps, and I’m covered in a cold sweat.

“Jean, are you alright?”

“Armin?”  My eyes focus, and I realize that I’m in my bed.  I must have fallen asleep.  I wave my hand at him dismissively.  “I’m fine.  Just a bad dream or something. I don’t even remember it.”  It’s a lie, and he knows it.  I remember every last detail of that dream, even though I wish I didn’t.

He bites his lip, still clearly worried.

“Really, Armin.  Thanks , but I’m fine.”  I stand up.  “I’m going for a walk.  The fresh air will help.  You should sleep.”  I ruffle his hair as I walk out of the door, not waiting for the protests I know would come.

I don’t think.  If I think, I won’t clear my head.  Or worse, I will.  I grab my maneuver gear and start walking.

The moon is still low in the sky, so I know it isn’t too late.  It doesn’t take me long to get to the wall.  I use my gear to scale it easily, and look out over the expanse beyond.

Sighing, I shoot off, following the path of our small expedition.  It’s not long until I find myself exactly where I wanted to go.

“Marco?” I call out.  I don’t know if he can hear me.  I don’t know if he will answer.

I jump when I hear movement in the trees behind me.  I spin around, eyes wide.

Marco stands there in the shadows, head down, staring at his feet.  His hands are clasped behind his back.

“I didn’t thinking you’d come back… I thought you hated me.”

He looks like a puppy that just got kicked.  By Corporal Levi.  It’s sad, and I almost feel sorry for him.

I turn away so that he can’t see my face.

“I should.  I should hate you.  I want to hate you, but I can’t.  I can’t bring myself to do it.”  He looks up at me, and I sigh.  “You said that it wasn’t what I thought.  Then explain to me what it is.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco explains what's going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this update took so long. I've been busy with work. I've actually had it written out for a while, but I hadn't typed it up. But it's up now! Yay!  
> I'm almost sorry for this chapter. Almost.  
> ***unbeta'd for now***  
> **will update once it's beta'd**  
> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoy it, and I'd love to hear what you think in the comments!  
> Also, I have a [tumblr](ellie-beilschmidt.tumblr.com) You guys should come talk to me there~

Marco leads me over to a fallen tree, sitting down.  I sit next to him, but far enough away that it’s clear I want to keep my distance.  He lets out a deep sigh.

“I’m sorry, Jean.  I’m so sorry.”

I bite my lip and chance a look over at him.  I regret it almost immediately.  I see a tear fall down his cheek, and my heart shatters.

Keep it together, Kirschtein.  Don’t let your guard down.  This could all be an act.  
He sniffles and wipes the single tear away.

“I never asked for this.  I was young.  I didn’t know.  I was trained to think a certain way.  I never knew any better.  I was made to think that humans were horrible creatures that should be destroyed.  I trained with the others.  I was part of their team.  We all worked so hard to get here.  To infiltrate the military.  To take humanity out from the inside.  The plan was simple enough.  Get through training, get in, get it over with.  There shouldn’t have been any issues or complications. But-”

He lets out a ragged breath, and it takes all of my energy not to wrap my arms around him and kiss him until it’s okay.  He lets out a very dry, humorless laugh.

“You said before… You said that you felt like it was your fault that I died?”

I nod. “Yeah. I thought that if I had been there to protect you, you’d be okay.”

“Well, you’re partially right.  There’s nothing you could have done to protect me.  But, it was your fault.”

“What? How?” How the Hell was it my fucking fault that he faked his death?

“Jean…” His voice snaps me back to reality.  “We were sent to destroy all humans.”

“I get that, so how-”

“I’m not finished.  We were trained to hate mankind, and want only to destroy them.  But… I don’t hate humans.  In my time as a trainee, I saw the good in humanity.  I saw that they deserve to live on.  You’re all fighting so hard to save yourselves, and each other.  I also…” He takes a deep breath.  “I also learned of love.”

My head snaps up and I stare at him.  He gave me a small, almost sad smile.

“I did what no one expected of any of us.  I fell in love with one of the other trainees.  I fell in love with you, Jean.”

My mind is reeling now.  He fell in love with me?  Really?  It wasn’t just a lie to hurt me?  But he’s been lying this whole time about who he is.  Why would he bother telling the truth now?

“Why should I believe you?”

“I don’t expect you to.  I’ve hurt you, and I’m so, so sorry, Jean.  I never wanted you to get hurt.  I mean, I knew you’d be upset if you ever found out about me… But I was hoping you never would.  I wanted to go to the inner walls and join the Military Police with you.  But they wouldn’t let me.  They noticed I was changing.  They saw that I was getting closer to you than I should have been.  And one day, they approached me about it.  When I told them that I was in love with you, they flipped out.  I told them that I wouldn’t tell anyone about them or the mission.  I begged them to let me live as a normal trainee, so that I could be with you.  But they didn’t understand.  They saw me as a threat to the mission.  It was ultimately Annie who ended it.  She told me that I had two options: either fake my death and go back beyond the walls, or she’d actually kill me.  I thought that if I faked my death, at least there was the slight chance of seeing you again.  I thought that maybe just maybe I could find a way to get back to you.  I thought…” He sighs deeply and turns to look at me.  “I thought that if I came back to you, we’d be good, and could be together again.  I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry…” Tears streak his face, and he looks down at the ground between us.  “Jean… I know that I’ve hurt you, and I know you hate me and don’t believe me, but I love you.  I love you so much.  That was never a lie.  You’re such a good soldier, and you have made me proud.  Jean, I never knew compassion.  Not really.  I never knew you could love someone so much that you’d give up everything for them.  You showed me what real love was like.  You-”  His voice cracks, and the sound hits me like a blow to the chest.  “You made me happy for the first time ever.  I’m so sorry I ever hurt you.  I’m sorry I put you through so much pain.  I never wanted you to suffer.  You’re such a good person, Jean.  You deserve to be happy.  I understand that you’re upset and that I’ll never be the Marco you thought I was.  But the Marco that you saw - the one that only you saw - was the real me.  But you deserve so much better.  You deserve so much more than I can give you.  When you leave this time… I know you won’t come back.  I know I can’t fix this.  I can’t make this better.  I can’t change it so that it’s okay.  But I know that you’re better off this way.  You don’t need me.  You don’t want me.  So, I guess that I’ll just deal with it, as long as you’re happy and -”

“You think I’m happy? You think that I don’t want to just hold you and kiss your stupid freckled face as much as I did before?” His face reddens, but I keep talking. “Marco, I’m not happy.  I haven’t been since the day you died.  I don’t want anyone else.  And yeah, I’m hurt.  And yeah, it’s really fucking hard to trust you now.  But, fuck, it’s hard not to just jump into your arms.  Because as fucking pissed as I am, you’re alive.  That’s all I’ve wanted since the moment I found you dead.  No, I didn’t want it like this.  I’m fucking mad as Hell at you.  For a lot of reasons.  For you being one of them.  For you leaving me.  For you not coming back to me sooner.  I’m not happy.  I don’t trust you.  I can’t fucking deal with all of this.  But I sure as Hell don’t want anyone else.  You’re the only person who cared about me.  You’re the only one who put up with me being such a giant asshole all the time.  You looked passed all of it, and somehow found something good in me.  And even if that was all just an elaborate lie-”

“It wasn't a-”

I hold my hand up, stopping him. “Even if it was, I don’t care.  You’re the only fucking one who-” I bite my lip, trying to control my voice so that it doesn’t crack.  I still have my pride to worry about.  “You’re the only one I love.  And you’re the only one I will ever love.”

Without thinking, I reach my hand over and cup his cheek.  My hand moves behind his neck, and I pull him closer.  I know I’ll regret this, but fuck it.  I press our lips together, and goddamn it’s like coming home.  It’s like nothing has happened, and we’re back at the barracks as trainees.  I kiss him, and I’m losing myself.  And yet, it’s like finding a part of myself that I’d forgotten.  

I feel his arms tentatively wrap around me, and I lean into him.  My fingers tangle in his hair as his hands roam, finally settling on my hips.

I finally break the kiss and look at him.  His face glows in the faint light of dawn.

Wait. Dawn? ...Shit.

“Marco…”

He seems to notice the sun rising, and gives a small, sad nod.

“I know.  You have to go back.  It’s fine.”

I nod and something eats away at my nerves.  I finally think about what I’d just done.

“This… This doesn’t change anything.  I still… Don’t know if I can’t trust you.”

I turn away and am about to start going back when he speaks.

“Will I see you again?”

“I… I don’t know.”

I leave Marco again, not looking back.  I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would like to thank [Iridia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Iridia/pseuds/Iridia) for being so awesome and commenting on almost every chapter. You are amazing, your comments give me life, and honestly the reason that this is going so much faster than I ever thought it would. I hope you continue to enjoy the story. :)
> 
> Also, I cannot write Erwin to save my life. I'm very sorry about that. I hope you enjoy anyway. I have a [Tumblr](http://ellie-beilschmidt.tumblr.com/) if any of you are interested.

I get back into the room just in time to come face to face with quite possibly the last person on the planet I want to see right now: Eren fucking Jaeger.

“Where the fuck were you, horseface?”

“None of your goddamn business.”

“You know we have a full day of-”

“I know, Jaeger.  I’m not an idiot.”

“Could’a fooled me.”

I am so not in the mood for this right now.

“Shut the fuck up.  You go on about me being dumb, but you’re the suicidal asshat who thinks he can take out all the titans singlehandedly! Just because you’re a shif-”  My voice catches on the word ‘shifter’ and I can’t help but think of Marco.  Marco, the shifter.  Marco, my (ex?)boyfriend.  Shit, is he my ex?  We never did officially break up.  But he fucking _died_.  Or, at least as far as I knew he had, up until I found him again.  That counts as a breakup, right?  Do I even want to be broken up?  Yes.  No, I still love him.  Goddamn it, why is this so complicated?

“-nna get killed.”

I snap back to the conversation, catching the tail end of whatever he had been saying.  I waved him off, disregarding whatever he said.  

“Go away.  I don’t need your shit right now.  It’s too fucking early.”

Eren (for once) listens to me and stalks off.  I sigh, glad to be alone.

“Jean?”

Well that didn’t last.  I turn to face Armin.

“What?”

“He’s right, you know.  You’ve been really out of it lately.  It’s not good.  None of us want to see you die.  Even Eren.  He does actually care about you, though he has an odd way of showing it.”

“I’m fine, Armin.  I appreciate your concern, but it’s unnecessary.  I won’t let myself get killed that easily.”

“I really hope you’re right, Jean.”

As if sensing my wish for a miracle to make him go away (even I can’t be an asshole to Armin) the door opens.

“Where the fuck are you, you shitty bra- oh.  You aren’t alone.”

We both look to see Captain Levi standing in the doorway.

“I need you in my office, Arlert. Now.”

Armin’s face reddens as he nods.

“Yes, sir.”  He turns back to face me briefly.  “I just hope you’re as alright as you claim.”  He turns on his heel and scurries off with Levi.

I briefly wonder what the corporal could want with Armin, but quickly push the thought from my mind. I don’t have the brain capacity to worry about other people’s love lives (or lack thereof).  Not when I’m busy trying to sort out my own.  I flop down onto my bed, groaning.  What have I done?

I kissed Marco, that’s what I did.  I gave into my stupid desire, and kissed him.  But I can’t deal with that.  It was a horrible idea.  Because now I want to kiss him again.  And again. And maybe more than kissing.  Okay, definitely more than kissing.

No.  I shake my head, as if that can get rid of the image of Marco’s naked body moving with mine.

He’s a shifter.  He was sent to destroy humanity.

But he fell in love with me.  It almost cost him his life.

Did he?  How can I be sure?  He’s lied this entire time, so how do I know?

Did that kiss feel like a lie?  No, it didn’t.  It felt like my broken and missing pieces had come back and reassembled themselves.  It felt so right.

But it’s wrong.  I can’t love him.

I can’t stop loving him, either.

Goddamn it, this was so much easier when he was dead.

No, I can’t think like that.  That isn’t fair.  I’ve wanted nothing more than to see him alive for the past four months.  I got that wish, just not quite how I’d wanted it.  But he’s still Marco.

Is he?  I mean, he’s still the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.  He’s still got all his adorable freckles that I love.  His smile still makes my heart flutter.  God, that sounds pathetic.  But even though all that is the same, is he still Marco? _My_ Marco?  Was he ever really my Marco to begin with.

I don’t have any more time to think about this as the bell rings, signaling the start of the day.  It also reminds me that I missed breakfast and got no sleep last night.  Great.  Just fucking great.

Groaning, I push myself off of my bed, and shuffle my way out the door.  I spend the next few hours training vigorously to try and escape my own hazy mind.

We don’t get lunch today because supplies are scarce and must be preserved.  Just my luck.  I’m starving by the time dinner rolls around.  I sit down at the table with the others, not really wanting to talk to any of them.  Not when I already have so much running through my head.  I don’t want to risk slipping up and accidentally mentioning Marco to anyone.  Not yet.  Not with them.  Especially not with Levi, Erwin, and Hanji sitting at the head of the table not six feet away from me.

I eat silently, but can’t help looking around at the others.  Hanji, Erwin, and Levi are talking about something at the head of the table.  Moblit is to Hanji’s right, listening intently.  Armin is on Levi’s left, chatting with Eren and Mikasa.  Ymir and Historia are in their own world, while Sasha and Connie argue over who got bigger servings of food.  Everyone has someone else to talk to and enjoy the company of.  And me?  I’ve got no one.

_No, you have Marco._

_No, I had Marco.  Now he’s gone._

_He’s just on the other side of the wall._

_That’s not my Marco._

_Isn’t it?_

_No.  Besides, he left me.  He isn’t here with me right now.  He can’t be anymore._

_He wanted to come back to you._

_Says who?  Him?  Like I can really listen to anything he says anymore after what he’s done._

_You can listen to yourself.  Can you honestly say that you hate him?  That you don’t love him?  Just like that?_

_Yes. ...No.  Fuck.  Why did he have to be a shifter?  Why couldn’t he just be a normal human?_

_It doesn’t matter if he’s a shifter._

_Like Hell it doesn’t matter!  He came to destroy humanity.  And in the process ended up destroying me._

_You’re still here._

_At what cost?  I’m in love with a murderer sent to kill us all._

_He gave that up.  For you._

_But-_

“Kirschtein.”

I look up at the sound of my name to see the whole table staring at me.

“Are you alright?”

I look with wide eyes to Commander Erwin.  Great.

“Yes, sir.  I’m fine.”

“Your dinner would beg to differ.”

I risk a glance down at my plate to see that I had brutally mutilated my food.  I hadn’t really eaten any of it, but it was all smashed, and stabbed, and almost completely unrecognizable.

“I’m fine, sir. Really.”

He nods.  “Why don’t you finish eating, then go rest.  We don’t need any of you to be distracted.  Distractions cost lives, and we don’t need to lose any more of you than we already have. If you’re not feeling better in the morning, take the day off tomorrow. We have another expedition next week, so we need you to be in top shape.”

“Taking the day off will not be necessary, sir. Thank you for your concern. I will go rest though.”

I quickly eat some of my meal and excuse myself to my room.  I try to lay in my bed and get some sleep.  I desperately need it.  I didn’t get any last night, and training was tough today.  

Curling up under my blankets, I can feel myself start to drift off.

For the first time in four months, I don’t dream.

* * *

I wake up and take in my surroundings.  It’s dark.  Not the pre-dawn dark I’m used to seeing when I first wake up, either.  It must only be just approaching midnight.  I try and snuggle back into my cot, but I’m far too awake now.  That had always been a problem.  Once I wake up, I’m up and there is no going back.  

Before I realize what I’m doing, I’ve got my gear on and am walking out of the camp.  I shoot up and over the wall to the small clearing where I’ve met Marco the few times I’ve seen him since his death.  I don’t know for sure that he’ll be there, but something in the pit of my stomach tells me that he is.  He has to be.  He’ll be there waiting for me.

I’m not disappointed as I touch down, and gaze at the trees around me.  About 20 meters away a see a familiar freckled face, smiling softly at me as he makes his way over to where I’m standing.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean and Marco take out their anger on each other. Some things are explained. Others not so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay! Another update! Finally! I'm so sorry for making you guys wait so long. But Im still really excited for this fic and will see it through to the end. I promise! Thank you for sticking with me through this.
> 
> Special thanks to [Brit](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sunnysidedown420/pseuds/sunnysidedown420) for making me finally get around to writing this. I love you.

"Marco..." I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know why I keep coming back to him. But I do, and I can't seem to stop. Can you really blame me? I've spent the past four months mourning his death. I've wanted nothing more than to see his stupid freckled face and his smile. Whole. And now I can. It's not my fault that I keep coming back to him.

"Jean!" He says cheerfully as he walks over to me. "I'm glad you came."

"Yeah... I'm here."

He looks at the ground, a mix of embarrassment and shame on his face. "I worry... When you leave. I worry you won't come back."

"One day I might not. I still don't know how I feel about all of this, Marco. I don't know how to deal with you being... well, with you being one of them. I don't like it. I don't like the idea of you working with them. Of you wanting to kill everyone. All of our friends. How could we all mean so little to you? You'd really just kill us all? After everything we went through in those three years... I just can't believe that. What would it even be for? Is wiping out humanity that important? Is it worth it?" I’m getting angry again. I always get angry when I think about Marco. This Marco. Not the Marco I knew as a trainee. This Marco who is apparently a killing machine. A shifter. One of those assholes bent on eliminating humanity. I don't understand how my sweet sweet Marco could be like them. I don't understand it and it angers me.

Marco looks at the ground. “I already told you, Jean. I couldn’t. I couldn’t kill them. I couldn’t kill you. That’s why I’m here now instead of in the Military Police. I wasn’t strong enough to kill."

"Shut the fuck up." My voice comes out as a growl. "Shut the fuck up right now. Killing people doesn't make you strong. Killing people doesn't make you better than anyone." I sigh, remembering the woman that I couldn't kill. The woman that Armin killed to save me. The woman that hesitated. The only reason I'm alive right now is because she hesitated. But of course, Marco doesn't know that. How could he? He left me long before that happened. He doesn't know anything that's happened in his absence. I almost want to tell him, but he doesn't deserve to know. He left. It was his choice not to be there. I glare at him coldly, trying not to notice the way he wipes his unshed tears, or how his eyes immediately fill back up. "You wouldn't understand. You left. You haven't been through what what I have."

He looks down at the ground between us and I watch as a tear falls from his face and hits the grass. "I know. I'm sorry, Jean. I'm so sorry..." Once that single tear escapes, it's like the floodgates open, and he's suddenly sobbing. 

Keep it together, Jean. Don't give in to this. It could all be an act. You've fallen for it before. He's tricked you before.

But I can't. I can't resist him. I can't watch the man I love fall apart at the seams like this while I stand back and do absolutely nothing. It's breaking me.

I take a step and close the distance between us, wrapping my arms tightly around him. I don't say anything. What can I say? 'It's okay'? Fuck that. It's not fucking okay.

His hands grip my shirt like it's the only thing anchoring him. He buries his head in my shoulder, and I can't stop myself. I kiss the top of his head. He notices and goes stiff for a second before nuzzling my shoulder. A whine makes it to my ears and that is the last straw.

I grab his face in my hands and crash our lips together. Again, it's like coming home. I can feel him relax, melting into the kiss. His hands grab tighter at me as if I might disappear. One of my arms is tight around his waist, the other running my fingers through his hair. 

The kiss is needy and desperate. It's perfect. We both collapse to the ground, tangled up in each other. I hear Marco moan into the kiss and anything that was left of the mental barriers that I had put up against him crumble. 

My hands grab at his ass, pulling his shirt up and tossing it to the side. I run my hands up his chest and he just stares at me.

"Fuck... I missed you so goddamn much, Marco..." I mumble as my lips move to his collarbone and suck, leaving a nice red mark. Marco tosses his head back and moans.

"Jean..." He looks down at me with damp eyes. They aren't as sad and broken anymore, though. No, now there is something else. Something I never thought I'd see again.

I kiss him again, his hands making quick work of my 3DMG harnesses. He tosses them aside, careful enough not to damage the equipment, but rough enough to show just how badly he wants this. Wants me.

My shirt comes off next. It's summertime, so I don't worry about being cold. Although, Although I doubt I'd feel it even if it was the dead of winter.

My hands roam further and I can feel that Marco is already fully hard in his pants. Feeling the familiar bulge, I moan, Marco moaning at the contact. He rolls his hips against my hand.

I know I'm shouldn't be doing this. It's only going to hurt me more. I can't love him. I can't ignore the secrets he kept from me. I can't give up everything I've been fighting for just for him. I can't. 

But I also can't keep my hands off of him right now. Not when he's moaning and panting already. Not when I'm painfully hard in my own trousers. Not when he's finally here again and he feels like home. Not when in love him so much.

I can no longer deny that I still live Marco Bodt with all I have. I hate it. I hate that that I love him even after learning what he truly is. I hate that that I love him, but I can't fucking stop.

I undo his pants and pull them down to his thighs. His cock bounces up against his stomach and oh fuck he's dripping. I push him so that he's laying on his back and kiss my way down his chest. I can feel it rising and falling beneath me.

He’s breathing heavily, but so am I. I kiss my way down his abdomen and nip at each hip once. He bucks his hips when I do, and a smirk finds its way to my lips.

Without a word, I take as much of him into my mouth as I can all at once. He lets out a moan that’s almost a scream. My dick twitches at the sound, and I moan around him. He threads his fingers through my hair and fucking grips it. 

I swallow around him in a way that makes him shiver before I pull off of him. Looking up at him, I smirk again.

“You like that, huh?”

I lick a slow stripe from base to tip, teasing the head with my tongue.

"Gods, Jean... feels so good. Missed you so bad... you have no idea..."

I growl at him. I had no idea? Fuck that. I had every idea. I missed him just as bad. My body is reacting and drowning out all of my doubting thoughts. I shouldn't be doing this. It wasn't fair. Making it feel like it was okay and I had him back, when I know I don't. I can't. He can't come back inside the walls. I can't keep sneaking out. It won't work. But none of that matters right now. I know I'll keep coming to see him. I know I dim too addicted to him to give him up. I can't leave him when I finally have him back. Even if it's only fleeting; even if it won't last; even if it isn't real. I need him now. I need him so badly it hurts. My chest is aching and I notice the tears on my cheeks only when he wipes them off. 

"Jean... don't. Please don't. Don't think about anything. I'm here." He shifts so that he's on top of me. "Let me love you. Let me have this moment. I know you don't owe me anything. But please please let me love you. At least one last time."

Unable to form words, I nod, relaxing underneath him. He could kill me. I know that much. I'm not stupid. Or maybe I am. Because right now, I don't care if he kills me. I don't care if I never make it back. If I die here, at least I'm with him. It sounds dumb, I know. But if I'm going to die, I'm glad he's the last thing I'll see.

I feel his fingers at my entrance, slick with what I assume is his spit. When the first one enters me, I shiver. I haven't been with anyone other than Marco, and even just his one finger feels way too good. Too familiar. Not enough. 

"Marco..."

"Am I hurting you?" He seems to hesitate, so I roll my hips on his finger, squeezing around him. 

"More... Marco... need you now..." My mind is totally gone now. Nothing can get past my arousal and need to just feel him again. I feel another finger slip inside, and he's moving them so perfectly. The lack of oil males is hurt a bit, but I'm willing to take this pain. Hell, I need it. I need the pain to remind me that this isn't good. I need the pain to keep me from falling completely. The pain keeps me grounded, and suddenly I'm angry. I growl at him and flip us yet again. In the sudden movement, his fingers are pulled from me. I know I'm not nearly prepared enough. I know this is going to hurt like and bitch. I don't care.

I spit on my hand and slick up his dick as best as I can while straddling him. I cry out in pain and ecstasy as I sink down onto him. He moans raggedly, breathless in my ear. I start riding him hard immediately, wincing against the pain. 

"Fuck... Jean... you feel so good..."

Even through the pain, I'm feeling it. Marco is filling me up so damn good like he always did. I ride him roughly, as if the pain of his cock in my ass could erase the pain of betrayal I felt. He grips my hips, and I still needed more. 

My anger and pain is pouring over. How dare he act like this was just like the times we had been together in the past. How dare he make me feel like he loved me. How dare he make me love him. "Why? Why are you torturing me like this? Making me feel like it's real? You know you don't really love me. Why... why did you just disappear? You could have contacted me. You could have let me know you were alright. Why did you make me suffer for four goddamn months? You don't know how hard it's been. You don't know how much I've fucking missed you. You don't-"

He snarls at me as he roughly flips us again. "Don't you fucking dare, Jean. Don't fucking act like you were the only one suffering. Don't sit there and think that there wasn't a single moment in these past months that I didn't want to be by your side. I missed you like fucking crazy, Jean. I haven't gone a single day without thinking of you; missing you; regretting leaving you. Don't you think that if I could have gotten back to you sooner that I would have? Don't pretend like I don't love you. Don't tell me that I don't love you more than anything. I almost died because of of my feelings for you. Don't Don't you dare belittle that. You aren't the only one suffering here!"

This whole time hes been slamming mercilessly into me, and I stare up at him, in awe until I feel dampness on my face. He's crying and it's falling onto me.

"Jean... I'm not a monster... I have feelings... I love you goddamn it! Why can't you fucking see that?"

"Maybe because you fucking left? I fucking thought you were dead, Marco. Dead. Do you know how bad that fucking hurt? Blaming myself for months. Fighting to avenge you. Only to find out you were alive the whole fucking time doing fuck knows what beyond the walls!"

"You act like I had a choice!"

"There's always a choice!"

"I didn't want to go. But it was either that or die for real! I couldn't give up and die. I couldn't give up on you. On us. On love. I just couldn't Jean!"

"Well how the fuck was I supposed to know that?"

"You're supposed to trust me!"

"How can I when you've done nothing but lie to me the whole damn time?"

"I never lied to you about how I felt about you. I never lied about loving you. It scared me. I knew it would be hard. But I took a chance and trusted you. Now you need to trust me. Trust me when I say I love you. I always have. And I always will."

"Prove it. Make me believe you. But I swear to god, Marco, if you're lying to me I will not hesitate to kill you my goddamn self."

He doesn't say anything after that. He just keeps slamming into me and leans down to kiss me. Our lips crash together and he bites my bottom lip, tugging on it. He feels so good, so right. I'm coming undone and he knows it. I can feel my orgasm building and I clamp down tight around him. 

I hit my release, screaming his name. Not a moment later, I feel him spilling into me, my own name on his lips. He collapses on top of me, both of us breathing heavily. Heartbeats erratic, we soak each other in. I can't tell where I end and he begins. The last thing I hear before I pass out is his whisper of "I love you, Jean."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to note rhat you should ALWAYS use lube when doing the didly do up the butt. Please. It's really not fun at all without it. Take it from someone who knows, kiddies. Don't do it. It doesn't work out very well. This has been a friendly reminder.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean finally gets some answers.

I wake up to bright light on my face. Groaning, I roll over to block out the sun, nuzzling my face into Marco’s chest. I feel his arms wrap around me, and I sigh happily.

Suddenly my eyes snap open as it all comes crashing back to me. Marco. What we did. The fact that the sun is up and I’m on the wrong side of the walls.  
“Shitshitshit.” I panic as I try and get up and get my clothes back on, but Marco’s arms are wrapped firmly around me. Damn his iron grip. “Marco, hey, I have to go. We have to get up now, okay?” I’m shaking him, trying to get him up. Part of me doesn’t want to wake him because he looks so peaceful and serene while he’s sleeping, but I know that I have to get back to base camp. I’m already probably in deep shit for whatever I’ve missed. No need to keep prolonging it. That'll only make it worse.  
Finally he lets out a semi-coherent groan. “Jean…?”   
I can’t help but smile at the way my name sounds as he lazily yawns. He’s too damn cute. “Yeah, Marco… It’s me. I have to go, though. We fell asleep. I’m going to be in so much trouble.”

His eyes open wide now as he seems to register what I’ve said. “Crud. Jean, I’m so sorry…”   
I don’t have time to listen to his apology. As soon as his arms aren’t around me, I’m up and scrambling to put my pants on. I can’t look at him right now. I can’t see that adorable bedhead that I know he’ll have (he always did). I can’t see the sleepy look in his eye. I can’t. I have to go, and I’m afraid that if I see any of that, I won’t be able to go.  As I’m pulling on my harnesses and adjusting the straps, I hear him start to fumble around for his own clothes.   
“Will I see you again? Or was this too much? Is this going to be goodbye?”   
I can hear his voice crack as he tries not to cry while asking. I strap my gear to my harnesses and decide to risk it. I look at him, and try to stay strong. “I… I don’t know, Marco. I’m still… I really don’t know how I feel right now. I mean, I love you, but I don’t want to and it hurts to know that you lied to me so much and I just don’t think I can deal wi-”

He shakes his head at me sadly, eyes on the ground. “I know. I understand. I hope I do see you again… But in case I don’t… I love you, Jean.” He pulls me in for a kiss before I know what’s going on. I kiss him back, partially because I’m caught off guard, and partially because I really just want to kiss him. When we part, I turn and don’t look back at him. I know that if I do, I really won’t be able to leave. Double checking my gear, I shoot off toward whatever is waiting for me back at camp.

* * *

My fears are confirmed when I get back to base.

“Kirschtein!” I hear my name ring out.  Shit.  I know that voice.

I turn to face him, knowing I’m indeep shit.  “Yes, Corporal?”

“Where have you been?” His hand comes up to stop me from answering.  It was a rhetorical question. “I don’t actually care. But Commander Erwin does. He’s in his office. Go.”

Fuck. I’m going to get chewed out by the commander.  Could this be any worse?

I approach his office hesitantly.  Taking a deep breath, I knock.

“Come in.” His voice booms from the other side of the wood.

I’m shaking as I slowly open the door, keeping my eyes trained on the floor.

“Ah, Kirschtein.”

“Y-you wanted to see me, Sir?” It’s a stupid question.  I know I’m not getting off the hook that easily.  Not with all of the shit we’ve seen.  I’m going to be in for a world of shit.  They’re going to think I’m a shifter.  I don’t know what’s worse: that, or the truth.

“I did. Have a seat.” He gestures to the chair in front of his desk.  As I sit, he organizes his paperwork and puts it aside.

“Now, it has come to my attention that you missed this morning’s training.”

It isn’t a question. “Y-yes, sir.”

“But you were not in your bed.” Shit. I really am boned.  
“N-no, sir.” I’m terrified. Not gonna lie. Completely about to shit my pants. I’m also angry. I’m absolutely livid. How dare they assume I’m a shifter. I mean, I’d probably think that, too, if someone just fucked off to who knows where and did who knows what for hours on end at night. Especially if they did it in secret. But I’m not a shifter, and I’m pissed that I’m being accused of Marco’s crimes. Fuck this isn’t fair. This isn’t fair at all.

“Care to fill me in on where you were?” I can’t. I can’t just sell Marco out, no matter how much I know I should. It’s selfish. I want answers first, and if I tell them about him, they’ll just take him and kill him. Or he’ll fucking end up in a crystal like Annie. Either way, I won’t be able to get my answers. I need them. I need to know what was so important that it was worth leaving me for.

I keep staring at the ground, trying to come up with a good lie. Apparently I take too long, because he’s speaking again.

“We’ve all noticed something different about you lately.  Something off.  It started around the time of our last expedition.  You disappeared for a bit, then rejoined your squad.  Something must have happened during that time.  What was it?” How Commander Erwin can stay so calm in situations like this, I will never know. I would have been yelling and throwing accusations around if I was in his position. Marco used to say I’d make a good leader, but sitting here and looking at Commander Erwin, I can’t say I agree. He’s a good leader, and I’m nothing like him. Hell, if I’m found out, I’ll be lucky if they don’t kill me. I’ll never be commander.

“Nothing, sir. I-”

“Don’t lie to me, Jean.  Eren says you’ve been leaving your bunk in the middle of the night and not coming back until hours later.” Fuck. Leave it to Jaeger to throw me under the bus like that. Fucking bastard.  “Armin has also voiced his concern.” Is everyone secretly out to get me killed? Fucking hell. I know they both probably meant well, but this is not what I need right now.

“Sir, it’s nothing, really.” I’m trying really hard to sound convincing, but I know the Commander can see right through me. He always can. It’s part of the reason he’s such a good commander.

“Kirschtein, I cannot make you tell me.  Well, I could, but I won’t move to that level yet.  However, if this happens again, I will not take no for an answer.  You will tell me what’s going on, understood?”

“Y-yes, sir.” If I wasn’t terrified before, I definitely am now. I’ve heard about some of the shit that’s been done to people just to gather information. I do not ever want to be on the ass end of that.

“Alright. Now as for your punishment.” I’m holding my breath, waiting for him to confine me to the dungeons, but his face softens ever so slightly. He’s good at reading people. He can tell I’m lying, but I hope to Sina that he can also see that I’m not a threat. “You’ll be on stable duty for the next two weeks. Alone. Levi will check up on you to make sure you’re there, and I expect all of the work to be completed in the usual time frame.” My jaw hits the floor. Did I just get off easy? I mean, not that me alone doing the work of two people in the same timeframe is easy. I’m just saying that I had expected a lot worse than just stable duty.

Seeing that I hadn’t moved yet, Commander Erwin nodded toward the door. “You may go.”

“T-thank you, Sir.” I stood and made my way toward the door.

“Oh, Kirschtein.” I turned back toward the Commander, not knowing what to expect. What I got was nowhere near anything that had crossed my mind.

“Yes, Sir?”

“Go get some rest. You look like you need it.”

“He looks like shit.” I turn to see that Levi is standing in the open doorway. “Erwin said rest, so rest. But you will be at those stables bright and early tomorrow morning. Also, don’t expect special meals. If you aren’t at dinner, you don’t get dinner.”

“Y-yes sir.” I bow my head and stare at the floor the entire time back to my room. As soon as I get there, I strip down, fall face-first onto my bed, and crash hard.

* * *

I wake up hours later with a groan, stretching as I sit up. The light outside was dim, but judging by the fact that nobody was in the room but me, I should still be able to catch dinner. I got up and felt the sting of a sore ass, a feeling I haven’t had in a while, reminding me of what had happened the night before. I groaned again, trying not to think about it.

I knew it couldn’t go on. I couldn’t keep sneaking out. Commander Erwin was already suspicious of me. Sure, I’d gotten a get out of jail free card this time, but I don’t doubt that if it happens again I won’t be let off the hook so easily.

I ate dinner in a haze, and stayed inside the walls for a while. I went back to regular training, and tried to act like everything was okay. It wasn’t. I knew that. Everyone else could tell, too, I’m sure. I’m just glad no one decided to ask me about it, since I most definitely do not want to talk about this to anyone at all ever. Nope. Not opening up that can of worms.

It was a few weeks before they all stopped watching my every move. I felt like I couldn’t even go take a fucking piss without them breathing down my neck like I was off to do something awful. They were extremely suspicious of me and honestly, it was getting on my nerves. So I played nice for a while. I did everything I was supposed to and more. I was never late for stable duty, and I completed everything in the allotted time frame. Those damn stables have never looked better. Even Corporal Levi admitted that I had done a good job. I hoped that doing everything I was told to do, and doing it above and beyond expectation would get them off my tail a little.

It wasn’t until over three weeks later that I finally felt that I was being left alone enough that I could manage sneaking out again. I waited until everyone was asleep that night before silently creeping out of bed and grabbing my 3DMG. I put it on outside of the barracks, knowing it was far too loud of a process and would almost definitely wake someone (if not everyone) up. I was walking out of base, trying to be as subtle and quiet as possible (staying hidden in the shadows, etc.) when I heard it. Someone was following me. Fuck. I was absolutely screwed. I hid behind a building quickly, hoping that maybe, just maybe they weren’t following me. Maybe they were just out for a late night stroll and didn’t even know I was there.

No such luck. I had my eyes closed as if that would somehow make me more invisible when I heard the footsteps stop directly in front of me.

_Please don’t be Levi or Erwin. Please don’t be Levi or Erwin. Please don’t be Levi or Erwin._

I cracked one eye open slowly and was met with a blonde with very concerned blue eyes. _Armin._

“Jean, what are you doing?” He was whispering, but he was definitely concerned. I don’t blame him. We had found out that some of the people we had considered friends were actually titan shifters and out to get us (or at least Eren). I don’t blame him for being suspicious.

“I’m just going out for a bit. It’s really nothing bad, I promise.” I silently begged him not to ask any more questions.

“Jean… I’m worried about you. I don’t like you going off like this at night. I want to trust you, Jean, I do, but… You’re keeping too many secrets. With everything that’s been happening, I just can’t let you go. And if you do… I’m sorry, but I have to tell Commander Erwin. I can’t let you do this. Please, just tell me… are you one of them?”

I could see the sadness in his eyes, and I really tried my best to reassure him. “No, Armin. I’m not one of them. I promise you that. I just… I can’t tell you where I’m going. I need to do this on my own. I have to-”

“No. I can’t let you go. I really want to believe you, but unless you tell me what’s going on, I have to think of what’s best for everyone. I’m sorry, Jean.”

“Armin… I can’t tell you. I really can’t. Please, _please_ just trust me. I know that’s asking a lot, but please. I’m begging you. Trust me. I’ll tell you eventually. I’ll tell everyone eventually. Just not right now. I have to figure this out on my own first… please. Just this one time, please don’t tell anyone you saw me sneaking out tonight. Please.”

Armin lowers his gaze, shaking his head. “Fine. I’ll trust you this one time. But Jean…” He looks up and meets my gaze, no hesitation in his anymore.  “Don’t make me regret saving you. Don’t make me taking that woman’s life for nothing.”

I hug him. I can’t help it. This is the chance I need to go and tell Marco that this needs to stop and that we can’t go on. I hug Armin and thank him. “I won’t. I still owe you immensely for that. I promise that you didn’t save me for nothing.”

As I run off, I hear him whisper, “I truly hope so…”

* * *

I touch down outside the walls and almost instantly there is a pair of arms around me.

“Jean! Oh thank goodness, I was so worried when you didn’t come back for so long.” He’s hugging me tightly, and I can’t hold back the sigh of relief that escapes me. I was almost worried that he’d figured I’d left him for good and had stopped coming here. But here he is. Still waiting for me. There’s a pang in my chest, a small hope that maybe he’s telling the truth. Maybe he really does love me. I shake my head, carefully taking off my gear, but leaving the harnesses on. I can’t stay for too long tonight.

“We need to talk, Marco.” I sit down on the grass and he follows suit. “I have questions, and you have to answer them, okay? You don’t have a choice. You withhold any information from me, and I slice you to bits right here. Understood?”

He nods sadly. He had to have known this was coming. I can’t just blindly trust him anymore. If he wants me on his side, then he needs to trust me, too. I need answers.

“I want to ask ‘why?’ but that’s too broad. I’ll start with specifically why did you infiltrate the military? Why were you sent to kill all humans? It’s not like there are all that many of us left anyway, so why even fucking bother?”

“We weren’t sent to kill humans. Well, not all of them anyway. Just certain ones. And we had to infiltrate the military to do it. It was the only way to get close enough to them. Annie and I were supposed to go into the Military Police and kill the king, the true king, and certain nobles. Reiner and Bertholdt were to go to the Survey Corps and stress the idea of not attacking titans. They were supposed to suggest trying to avoid them altogether instead of actively engaging them. We’re not bad, Jean. I know it seems that way, but that’s just what the central government wants you to believe.”

“If you aren’t bad, then why do titans eat humans?”

“Not all of us have the shifting ability. The only way to get the shifting ability is to devour someone who has it. Eren ate his dad, and that’s how he got it. Annie, Bertholdt, Reiner, and I all ate our mentors when we graduated from training. There was one more in our ranks, but Ymir ate him after he inherited the power. That’s why she’s a shifter. She isn’t one of us. But you heard her, right? She wandered out there for _decades_ and she said that it was like living a nightmare. Being a titan isn’t fun. We don’t like it. But they eat every human they come across in the hopes that maybe it’ll be a shifter and they can be someone important. Someone with purpose. Someone with some sort of special skill.”

“But why come in here to specifically kill certain people? I get why Reiner and Bertholdt were sent to try to get the Corps to stop killing you guys, but why were you and Annie necessary?”

He let out a ragged sigh. “Titans didn’t always exist. You know that. Well, you may not believe this but titans were created by humans. The old king, Historias ancestor, he wanted to be an absolute ruler. He didn’t want any chance of anyone ever trying to take him out of power. So he tried to create an army of superhuman forces. ...And he ended up making titans. His plan backfired. Almost. When he proposed the construction of the walls, everyone saw him as a hero and he secured his place upon his throne. He was found a way to erase the memories of those who knew about it, and he paid off others. We were sent to kill those who continued to keep his secret so that we could let the truth be known. We want to work with you guys to try and find a cure other than eating shifters. But in order to do that, sacrifices have to be made. Certain people will not let us spread the truth. So they need to be taken care of first.”

“Okay, but why did you keep trying to kidnap Eren?”

“The king… The true king. He knows everything. And he wants to eat Eren to gain his powers. You see, Eren’s father was a shifter from our village. But he was special. He held an even greater power than the rest of us: the power to control non-shifters. That’s what the king really wants. He’s no better than the original king, the one who caused all of this.”

“Why didn’t you guys just fucking say so? God, we’ve been trying to take down the Central MP regardless, so why not just let us know?”

“It’s not that easy, Jean. Look at what they did to Eren, and he didn’t even know what his powers were. Now imagine what they would have done to us.”

I frown when I realize he’s right. They would have executed all of them without question. I scoot over and hold him tightly. “I trust you. I trust you, Marco. I love you, and I believe you.”

He wrapped his arms around me and held me like I was the only thing grounding him to reality. “Oh thank goodness… I love you so much, Jean. Thank you for trusting me. I… I don’t know if I could have handled you hating me.”

Suddenly there’s a noise and Marco tenses, pulling away from me. “Put your gear on. Now. We aren’t alone.”

I get up to do as he says, expecting him to run into the trees, but no. He fucking decides to turn into a titan. Fuck. Because that’s not conspicuous as fuck, Marco. Great job.

I manage to get my gear on in time to see what was causing the noise and - oh shit. Fucking Hell. I… no.

Eren Jaeger is flying over the wall, angry eyes trained on Marco. Shit. He’s going to kill Marco. I can’t let him do that. Not after I finally got him back. I can’t lose him again. I can’t lose him for real. I just can’t.

I shoot off, aiming straight for Eren. “Eren, stop!” I slam into him, knocking us both off balance and spiraling to the ground. We both shoot our grapples in time, but he’s pissed.

“What the fuck, Jean?! What are you doing? Do you not see the titan right the fuck there?! I’m going to kill it and then drag your ass back to base. What the fuck are you even doing out here? Trying to get yourself killed?!”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” I shoot up and land on Marco’s shoulder, blades pointed directly at Eren. “How did you even know where to find me?” It’s then that I see Armin trailing a bit behind Eren. That motherfucking- No, I can deal with him later. Right now I have to protect Marco.

“Are you seriously fucking stupid?! You’re protecting the- No. No you _are_ one of them! You asshole! We trusted you! We fucking _trusted you_!”

He comes racing toward us again, blades drawn. “Eren stop! You don’t understand!”

“Oh I understand fucking _perfectly_! You’re just like fucking Annie and them, aren’t you?! Why don’t you just fucking shift, Jean? I already know what you are.”

“No you fucking don’t! You don’t know anything! I’m not a shifter, I swear!”

“Then why are you protecting a fucking titan, Jean?!”

“Because… Because I love him and I won’t let you hurt him!”

Eren stops dead in his tracks, landing on a tree branch. “You wh- You fucking sick bastard!” I bite my lip, knowing I’ve already said too much.

“It’s not what you think! I promise you, it’s not what you think!”

“What, you’re not a sick bastard who wants to fuck a titan? This is one of your shitty shifter accomplices, isn’t it? I know I saw a transformation before. Just fess up, Jean! You’ve been caught!”

Eren keeps trying to attack us, but I’m faster with my gear and can thankfully block all of his attempts at getting to Marco’s nape. Suddenly, there’s a large hand around me and I’m being gently put on the ground. I look up to Marco and see the sadness in his eyes as he meets my gaze. No. He can’t. Eren’s going right for him and he isn’t even going to fight it? Why?! What is he doing?! No. Eren get’s closer, blades ready. No.

“ **NO!** ” I scream.

 

 

...But I’m too far away to do anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eyyyyyy! Look who's still kicking. And, as promised, I have not given up on this fic. We actually made some good plot progress this chapter. I am so so so sorry it's taken so long for me to update this. The last year has been absolute Hell. Like you all have no idea. So if any of you are still around and reading this, THANK YOU FOR YOUR EXTREME SUPPORT. Please let me know what you thought in the comments, or drop me a kudos. They're seriously appreciated. I read every comment, I promise. They make me super happy and honestly push me to write more, faster. So yeah! Get on that. xD
> 
> Also I'm almost sorry for the way this chapter ended... Please don't kill me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down and decisions need to be made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow guys. I've been gone for absolutely far too long, and for that I am sorry. But look! I finally updated! I told you I wasn't done just yet. I'm not super happy with this chapter as it was written in bits over the span of about a year and so the tenses and tones are muddled. I'm very sorry for this. Obviously it's unbetad, but oh well. Thank you all for staying with me for so long. I really do appreciate your continued support. Every comment I get warms my heart and I really can't thank you enough. Alright, enough of me talking. That's not what you came here for. Enjoy the chapter!

“ **NO!** ” My scream rang out through the clearing, tears coming to my eyes. 

No, I couldn’t lose Marco. Not again. Not for real. It didn’t matter that I didn’t trust him completely. I loved him. I truly loved him, and I couldn’t bear going through the pain of watching him die. I couldn’t see his dead body again. I couldn’t watch Eren kill the man I’d loved so much for so long. 

I was suddenly hit with a blast of steam. My knees give out and I crash to the floor. No. No… Marco was dead. Again. For real. However you wanted to look at it, my heart was breaking for the second time over his death. This was too much. I couldn’t deal with this. Not now. Not again. Now when I’d finally gotten him back. Tears stream down my face and ugly sobs wrack my entire body. I’m shaking. The only thought I can comprehend is “No.” I should have told him. I should have told him how much I loved him. I had a second chance to have the boy I love in my arms once more and I blew it because of my stubborn pride. Marco was gone. And I wasn’t going to get another chance. I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see Armin standing over me.  

Suddenly anger flared inside me. I could be sad later. Right now I was angry. I stood, shaking Armin’s hand off of my shoulder and turned to glare at him. 

“How could you?! You brought  _ him  _ here of all fucking people!? And now… now he’s gone… I lost him again and it’s all your fucking fault! Fuck you, Armin! I fucking trusted you!” I’m screaming and I don’t care. I’m angry and upset and Marco is dead and I just need to get all of these emotions out. I shove Armin to the ground, anger burning in my eyes. I point my blade directly at his throat. “Stay the fuck here. I’m going to deal with Eren.”

With that, I turn on my heel and walk directly into the steam cloud. It burns, but I’m numb at this point. I see a figure and charge at it, yelling incoherently. But as I get closer, I notice it’s a bit too tall to be Eren. It’s almost the right height for…

“Marco!” I sheath my blades and sprint even faster toward the figure, wrapping my arms around him and kissing his face all over. “God, Marco, don’t scare me like that! I thought I’d lost you… again..”

Marco wipes the tears from my face and holds me close. “I won’t leave you again. Not ever again, Jean. I promise. But right now, we have bigger things to deal with.”

I nod and we stand back to back as I unsheathe my blades again. “How are you going to fight him? You’re unarmed!” 

Marco just shakes his head. “Just trust me, Jean. Okay? I’ll be okay. I promise.”

I can’t help but wonder how exactly he intends to keep his promise when neither of us know what the outcome of this battle will be. But I nod instead, keeping my eyes sharp for movement. “Okay. I trust you.”

As soon as I say it, the steam clears and I can see. Eren is approaching us, but when he catches sight of Marco, he freezes. “No… No it can’t be. Not you!” He shakily holds his blades up, though anyone can see he won’t want to use them on Marco. “ _You_ were one of them?!”  
Marco holds his hands up as if in surrender. “I’m not going to hurt you.”  
“Bull _shit_. You already have.”

“Eren, would you just fucking listen to what he has to say?! If anyone got hurt most by what he did, it was me! So you can just shut your fucking face and listen to the goddamn story. If I can forgive him, maybe you can.”

Eren’s face was still set in anger, but he didn’t move. Jean had been the one who was closest to Marco. He was right. He would have been the one hurt most by the betrayal. But… Perhaps he was also blinded by love. Maybe that’s why he’d forgiven him so easily. It was hard to see fault in someone you loved. It made you want to explain everything away. To push the bad things under the rug. He was about to say as such when another voice rang out. 

“Eren. Let’s hear him out. Maybe… Maybe Jean’s right?”  
The green eyed boy sighed. “Fine. Start talking.”

I sighed with relief as Eren’s blades lower and he gives Marco the chance to explain. And he does. He tells them everything he told me.  
“See? He’s not like them. Not anymore.”

Eren grit his teeth when he learned the truth. “I’ll let you live. This time. And I won’t tell anyone else for Jean’s sake. But if you so much as step a single toe out of line I will end you once and for all.”

Marco nodded. “I understand.”

I sighed, turning back to the freckled man. “Marco… I hate to say it but we have to leave. When it’s just me, I can usually get away undetected. But three of us missing at once? They’re sure to notice it. Especially these two.” I kissed him gently. “I’ll be back. I don’t know when… I’m going to have to make sure no one else notices. I’m going to have to lay low for a bit. But I’ll be back. I promise, I’ll be back.”

“I understand. And I’ll be here. I will wait for you forever, Jean. No matter how long it takes.”

Eren made a gagging noise behind me, Armin just blushing. I turned, glaring at the former of the two. “Shut up, Jaeger. You’re just mad that I’m getting some and you aren’t.”

“You don’t know shit, Kirschtein.”

“I know that I got laid more recently than you did.”

“Did you? Maybe you should go ask Mikasa to clarify that.”

Armin’s face got even redder if that was possible. My jaw hit the floor. “Mikasa? Seriously dude? You finally got your head out of your ass and made a move?”

“Well… no. She did. But I’m happy! And definitely getting laid more than you so fuck off.”

I shrugged, willing to let Eren have this one since he’d let Marco live. “I’ll be right behind you guys. Can we have a minute to say goodbye?”

They nodded, moving a bit away to give Marco and I some privacy. As soon as they were out of sight, I pulled the freckled man to me and kissed him until neither of us could breathe. When I pulled away, I cupped his face gently and glared at him. “Don’t you  _ dare _ ever scare me like that again! I already lost you once.  _ Please  _ don’t ever make me go through that again.”

Marco pulled me into a tight hug, my face pressing into his shoulder as I hugged him back. “I won’t. Jean… I’m so glad you forgave me. It’s been torture without you. I thought you’d joined the Military Police. I thought I’d never see you again. Thank you for taking me back…”

I was definitely not tearing up. Nope. Jean motherfucking Kirschtein does  _ not _ cry. “I love you. I’m fucking pissed that you left me thinking you were dead, but I love you.” I pulled back to look into his eyes before kissing him again. “Don’t lie to me again. No more secrets. Promise?”

He nodded, biting his lip. “I promise. I’ll tell you everything. No more secrets and no more lies.” 

“Good. I’ll be back, I promise. As soon as it’s safe, I’ll be back.”

“I’ll be waiting. Stay safe, Jean.”

“You too, Marco.”

With that, I had to leave. I caught up with Eren and Armin who traded a look, but kept quiet as we made our way back to the Survey Corps base. 

  
  


When we arrived, we all snuck back into our bunks and luckily no one noticed us. Thank fuck for that. I groaned when it was time to get up. The lack of sleep was certainly getting to me. I fumbled far more during practice than normal, and that fact was definitely noticed.

“Kirschtein! Get your shit ass over here now!”

I rushed over to Levi immediately, not wanting to upset him even more. “Yes, sir?”

“What the fuck is your problem?”

“I don’t know what you mean, sir.”  
“The fuck you don’t. You’re usually the most skilled soldier in your sector with the 3DMG. What the fuck is your problem?”  
“Ah, I… I don’t know sir. I’m sorry. I’ll try and do better.”  
I looked down at the ground, trying to avoid eye contact. For someone so small, he was definitely intimidating. Somehow, he was scarier than Commander Erwin. 

I could feel him glaring at me as he scoffed. “You’d better do fucking better. Unless you want to die out there, this won’t cut it. I refuse to have this bullshit in my squad. Go run that course again. And you do not stop until you’ve done it perfectly.”

“Yes sir!” I saluted before taking off to run the course again. And again. The stress of Corporal Levi’s scrutiny only made my performance worse. The harder I strived for perfection, the more unattainable it became. After hours of trying, I finally managed to do it right. Bruised and beaten, I made my way to the mess hall. It was already dinner time and I’d missed lunch. Sighing, I all but collapsed on my stool, my head immediately resting on the table. I was starving, but almost too exhausted to eat. 

“Hey Jean…?”

I groaned at Armin’s voice, turning but not lifting my head to glare up at him. “What?” My voice was flat.

“We need to talk. In private. Please?” He frowned, but his eyes said that he wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “I know you’re tired, but it’s important.”

“Fine.” I pushed myself up with weak arms and even weaker legs, following Armin outside to a secluded spot behind the barracks. Eren was already there waiting. “Fuck this. No. I am not doing this right now. You do not get to host a fucking  _ intervention _ . No.”

“Jean. Sit. Now.” Eren’s voice was harsh, but lacked his usual hatred. He and Armin had me cornered. I wouldn’t be able to get by without a fight, and we all knew I was far too weak to stand a chance. So I sat. Crossing my arms, I huffed.

“You know this can’t continue…” Armin started, crouching beside me and placing a hand on my knee. 

“No shit. You think I don’t know that? But do you really think I would risk my life to go see him if it wasn’t important? I’m not Jaeger. I don’t have a death wish.”

“Hey!” Eren glared at me. “I want to  _ fight _ the titans. Not fuck them.”

“Marco isn’t- UGH! He’s different! He isn’t like them! He  _ loves _ me. Doesn’t that mean anything to you guys? At all? I’m not the only one risking my life for this. He is too. You guys don’t know the whole story.”

“So then tell us.” Armin’s voice was calm and caring, but also cautious. Like he was afraid I’d punch him any second. Which was fair considering how many times I’d decked Eren.

Sighing, my head fell into my hands. I didn’t have a choice. They needed to know. “We… before he died- Or, faked his death, rather - He and I were in love. It didn’t matter that he was a guy because it was Marco and  _ fuck _ he was perfect. Everything was perfect. We were going to join the MP and live out our lives together in safety. Together. I was happy. For the  _ first time _ in my whole goddamn life, I was actually happy. And then everything changed when he died, and you may know part of my side of the story, but you don’t know his. I don’t even know his whole side. Just that Annie threatened to kill him when she and the others noticed he was getting too close to me. He tried to bargain with them. He promised not to compromise their mission if they’d just let him stay with me. But they wouldn’t. The only option they gave him was to wander outside the walls and fake his death. He took that option because he hoped someday he’d find me again. And he did.” I took a deep breath. “Don’t get me wrong, I was fucking  _ pissed _ when I found out he wasn’t dead. I threatened to kill him where he stood when I first found him. And yeah, maybe I should have, but I  _ couldn’t _ . I love him. I can’t kill him.” My eyes glanced up at Eren. “What if it was Mikasa? Huh? Would you be able to kill her?”

Eren opened his mouth like he wanted to argue, but closed it without a word, his head hanging. “No. I wouldn’t.”

“Exactly.” My case was made, and I had nothing left to say.

“Even so…” Of course. Of course Armin would still try and drag this on. “You can’t keep going like this. It’s draining you. And everyone can tell. You went from being the best with the 3DMG to acting like you had no idea how to even use it overnight. They know something is going on. Jean, you have to stop this. It can’t keep happening. And Eren and I can’t cover for you. If this gets out and they know we knew about it, we’ll all be killed. You have to put an end to it.”

I covered my face with my hands. I refused to cry in front of them. I absolutely refused. But even so, my voice came out as a hoarse whisper. “I know.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry that this is taking so long to get out. Honestly, I just don't have the muse for it anymore. But I promised I'd finish it and I will. There's one more chapter after this one, and then the story will be brough to a close. I hope you enjoy this chapter, and I promise to try and get the last one out faster than I have been. Thank you to everyone who reads this, and to those who've been with me since I started this journey all those years ago. Enjoy!

Weeks had passed since I’d last seen Marco.  I missed him, but I knew I was under harsh scrutiny.  Armin was right, they knew something was up.  So I’d been following all of the rules.  I’d even gotten to training practice early a few times.  I’d been sleeping when I was supposed to, though it was hard to silence my thoughts of Marco.  I never said I was sleeping well.

Today found me walking around during down time, trying once again to figure out what the Hell I was going to do.  I couldn’t keep sneaking off to see him.  I knew that much.  But I couldn’t just give him up either.  Not now that I knew he was out there.  Especially not without a goodbye or an explanation.

Some petty part of my mind reminded me that that was exactly what Marco had done to me all those months ago.  But I couldn’t.  I knew his reasons now, and I was trying my damndest not to be angry anymore. 

I sighed, running my fingers through my hair and tugging.  Why was this so fucking hard?  Why did he have to be one of them?  Why my Marco?  It wasn’t fair.  It just wasn’t fair.  I let out a groan of frustration as I kicked the wall of the main HQ.  

“Oi.  Cut that shit out.  Don’t need you damaging Survey Corps property.  Or your foot.”

I turned to see Levi standing a few meters away from me, arms crossed and eyes narrowed.  

“Sorry, sir.  I won’t do it again.”

“What’s been going on with you, Kirschtein?”

I blinked at him.  Shit.  I’d been good for weeks.  I’d followed all the rules.  I’d been a picture perfect soldier.  I’d thought that would be enough.  Obviously, I was wrong. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, sir.”

“Don’t pull that shit with me.  I’m not stupid.  What’s been going on?”

I sighed, knowing I wasn’t getting out of this one.  “It’s really nothing, sir.  I lost someone back in Trost.  Someone important to me.  And it’s just getting to me.  Some stuff brought it up, and I’ve been trying to cope.  I know everyone has lost someone, so it’s stupi-”

“Missing a loved one is never stupid.  Yeah, the titans have taken hundreds of lives, but not a single one of them should be brushed off or forgotten.  If we let ourselves forget, they’ve died in vain.  Remember them.  Fight for them.  And never fucking stop.  Don’t let it be a weakness.  Let them be your strength.”

My eyes widened as I listened to him talk.  And it was then that I figured it out.  I knew now what needed to be done. 

I nodded at Levi.  “Thank you, sir.  I’ll do that.”

“Good.  You’re a good kid, Kirschtein.  Now get to dinner before Braus eats your share.”

I did as I was told, mind flying through details as I ate.  I had a plan.  It may have been a shit plan, but I knew what I was going to do. 

The first thing I did was pull Eren and Armin aside after dinner. 

“Please hear me out.  I need you two to cover for me tonight.”

Armin’s eyes went wide as Eren shook his head. “No.  No no no.  You are not dragging us into this, Horseface.”

“You dragged yourselves in when you fucking followed me! Please… This is the last time I’m going. I promise. Just… Please…”

Eren is about to protest again, but Armin silences him with a hand.  “This is the last time? You promise?” I nod and Armin lets out a sigh. “Fine. But Jean… I really hope you know what you’re doing.”

  
I nod once more, my resolve evident. I try and seem absolutely sure of myself, though in reality I‘m scared shitless. "I do.”

  
“Alright. No one will be on west patrol tonight between 10 and 10:15. It’s a small window, so don’t miss it.”

Eren turns to Armin. “Wait, how do you know that?”

  
Armin tries and fails to hide his blush. “That’s not important.”

  
“Like Hell it’s not important! How do you know?”

  
Armin completely ignores him this time. “Good luck, Jean. Be safe.”

I thank him and they leave. I can still hear Eren questioning Armin even after they turn the corner.

Taking a deep breath, Ihead to the barracks.

* * *

 

I sneak quietly in the shadows as quickly as Ican. Luckily, Armin seems to have been right about the guard. It’s relatively easy to sneak out of camp, and then I’m off. I finally make it to our usual meeting spot and stop to catch my breath. “Marco!”

He almost seems to materialize out of the shadows, and or a moment, I forget why I’m there. I just grab a fistful of his shirt and pull him into a searing kiss, holding him tightly against me. It feels like I can finally breathe again after weeks of suffocating. And when Marco kisses me back, all coherent thought leaves me in an instant. 

  
When I finally pull away, I run my fingers through his hair. 

“I missed you.”he breathes, as if speaking loudly would shatter the moment. 

I press my forehead against his, trying to just let the moment last. I want to drown myself in him, and let nothing else touch us. It would be perfect if we could just stay here in our little bubble like this forever. But I know that we can’t. I have to make this right. I can’t keep putting Armin and Eren on the line like this. It’s not fair to them. They didn’t ask to be a part of this. They shouldn’t have to bear consequences for my actions. 

  
Sighing, I pull back from Marco and meet his eyes. “We need to talk.” I watch his face fall at those words, and I can’t even reassure him. I know that we both know this can’t go on like this. But I also know that neither of us want to give it up. Not now. Not when we finally have each other again.

  
Taking Marco’s hand, I squeeze it gently before tugging him along to sit on the fallen log. This is going to be a long conversation, so we might as well get comfortable.


	10. Chapter 10

     The weeks after I had gotten back inside the wall pass slowly. Everything seems so… bland. It’s like all of the colors are gone. Sounds are muted. Days run together. I’m in a slump and I know it. But I can’t let anyone else see that.

 

Armin and Eren had approach me after I return, but I shrug them off. They don’t need to know anything. I tell them that it’s done, and refuse to say anything else. The less they know, the better. I can’t put this on them anymore. It’s over. What’s done is done, and nothing is going to change it. I do my best to ignore their looks of pity.

 

I throw myself into my training. I won’t let Commander Erwin or Corporal Levi tell me I’m unfit for service. They can’t complain that I’m not doing my best anymore. I can out-maneuver everyone with my fucking eyes closed.

 

I still keep to myself, but I try to socialize as much as I can bring myself to. I play cards with Connie and Sasha after dinner. That’s about the extent of it, though. I can’t do anything more. Everything hurts. I keep it bottled up, but it doesn’t make it any easier. It hurts.

 

But I manage. I push through each day, and gradually it gets easier. The smiles seem less forced. My laugh isn’t hollow anymore. In front of others, I’m okay again.

 

But laying in bed alone… well, that’s a different story. I can’t stop the tears as I curl up under my blanket, muffling my sounds in my pillow. I do my best to sleep it off, but losing myself in my dreams is somehow worse. I see it all, feel it all, and watch as it’s ripped from me. There’s nothing I can do. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but it’s just too dangerous. I had to cut it off. If Eren had followed me, it was only a matter of time before someone else did. And then Marco and I would both be dead. For real. 

Finally, after weeks of pulling myself back together, it was time. An expedition. We were slated to leave with the rise of the sun, and with a sigh, I mounted my horse.

 

I look around at the other people in my squad as they mount their horses. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest more than it ever has before. Even my first expedition hadn’t been this nerve wracking. I see Armin and Eren exchange a glance and know they are still worried about me. 

 

Commander Erwin mounts his horse at the front of the corps and shouts the command to go. The gate is raised and we’re on our way. I take one last look around the town before I pass through the wall. We make good distance before encountering any titans. But eventually, our luck runs out.   
  


A large wave of them come at us, and we head for tree cover, knowing we can’t take that many in an open area. Once amidst the trees, we switch to our 3DMG, taking down as many titans as we can. But they just keep coming. It’s like fighting the female titan all over again. 

 

I hear a roar off to my left, and immediately redirect toward it. “There’s one over here! I’ve got it!” 

 

I hear one of my squadmates call after me, but their voice is muffled by the sounds of battle. I can’t tell who it was. As I approach the titan, I know I have to make this flawless. I can’t fuck this up. Not now. Not anymore. I was a soldier and my first priority had to be taking these bastards down. It was either kill or be eaten. There was no other option for us. 

 

With that in mind, I swing through the treeline, watching as Connie and Sasha take down a titan together. Eren and Armin head off to fight as well. Even Corporal Levi is putting in his all. But this titan is mine. I was only going to get one shot at this. 

 

I see the large body looming before me, and send out a grapple to lodge in its shoulder. I just have to swing up and take my kill. I’d done it plenty of times before. 

 

But just as I get close enough, the titan turns, a large hand swiping up to dislodge my grapple and pull me toward it. I am no longer in control. I watch its huge jaw open wide, and know what’s coming. I swear I hear someone call my name just before my world turns to darkness.

_ _

* * *

 

Connie watched as Jean was eaten whole. No. Not Jean. He was the best in their class when it came to using the 3DMG. If he had been bested…. No. Connie wouldn’t stand for it. With a cry, he immediately took off toward the titan. He’d avenge his friend. Jean deserved that much.

 

But just as he was approaching, the titan crouched down and broke into a sprint, away from the crowd. Fuck. He couldn’t chase after an abnormal alone. It was suicide. He knew he had to get back to his squad. To the corps. He could only watch as the monster that killed his best friend got away. 

 

Cursing, he turned back to rejoin everyone. He knew he’d have to be the one to break the news when they regrouped. Jean was gone.

* * *

 

     Once the titan made it a good distance away from the corps, it finally slows down. When it gets to a clear spot miles out of sight, it opens its mouth. I slide off its tongue and onto its waiting palm, covered in saliva and feeling far too slimy. We’ll have to find a river or something to wash off in.

 

The titan sets me down gently, then backs up quite a bit before dissolving into a cloud of steam with a loud hiss. I shield my eyes, but very soon, I feel a pair of familiar arms wrapping around me. 

 

“Marco, quit it! I’m covered in slobber! It’s disgusting.” I say, trying to shove him away. Though in reality, I want nothing more than for him to hold me.

 

“Shut up, Jean! I don’t care. I don’t care…” He hugs me anyway, and I all but melt into his embrace. “I was so worried that wouldn’t work. And then Connie….” He lets out a sigh. “I’m just glad you’re safe…”

 

“I know… I’m glad you’re safe, too. I was afraid I wouldn’t be the one to get to you first.”

 

“I wish you didn’t have to do this.” Marco says, nuzzling into my neck. 

 

“I know. I wish it could be different, too. But you’re worth it. Always.” I pull back, looking into his eyes with a small, sad smile. “Besides, you faked your death to save us. This is just me doing the same.”

Marco frowns and pulls me in close once more, hugging me tightly. “I love you, Jean. I love you so fucking much.”

 

My arms snake around him,  clinging to him just as tightly. He’s all I have now. Just Marco and me in this vast open land. We have nothing, and yet we have everything. We have each other. “I love you, too. More than anything, Marco.”

 

We stay like that for a while before he pulls away. “We’ll have to go further. We’re still too close to the walls. There’s a chance we’d be found if we stay here. But we can use my titan form to cover more ground.”

 

I scrunch my nose. “As long as I don’t have to sit in your mouth again. I love you and all, but that was gross.”

 

He giggles, and I swear it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard. It was free. We are free. 

 

Marco shakes his head. “No, you can ride on my shoulder. You don’t have to hide anymore. I’ll protect you from anything that tries to hurt you.”

 

I know he means it. Marco would protect me with his life, and I would do the same for him. We could do this. Somehow, we’d make this work. We had to. We’d both given up everything to get to this point. There was no way we were stopping now. 

 

I feel his eyes searching mine again and try to smile again. He cups my cheek and sighs. “You don’t have to pretend to be okay, Jean. I know how hard this is. Trust me, I know.” He takes in a shaky breath. “I’m sorry you had to give up your home for me. I… never wanted you to have to do something like this.”

 

This time I meet his eyes with a determination burning in my own. “Marco, listen to me. I don’t care about any of that. Yeah, it’s going to take some getting used to, but I’d do it all again if it meant being with you. I didn’t leave my home behind. How could I? Home is where you belong. And I belong by your side. My home is where you are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here we are. The end of their journey. I hope you all enjoyed this, and once again, I apologize for how long it took me to finish it. My life got really crazy for a few years, but I'm in a more stable place now and I'm going to try to pick up writing again. Thank you to everyone who stuck with me all these years. If it wasn't for you guys, I might never have finished this. It's been a wild ride, but I'm glad to finally give these two their closure. If you want to talk, drop me a comment or come chat with me on Tumblr at ellie-beilschmidt.tumblr.com


End file.
